2005-2006 BULWER LYTTON FICTION CONTEST WINNERS

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1st Place:         $20      The flotsam in the eerily green river (for the city sewer dumped here) seemed to have a mind of its own as it swirled around down the waterway as the unattractive crowd (for this was not a very handsome city) watched and ate their saltimbocca which had been distributed by Poncho, the caterer for the annual flotsam festival.

 

2nd Place:        $10      Jane, a victim of severe short-term memory loss, was muttering things about her ex-boyfriend, such as how much she hated him, loathed him, despised him, detested him, how evil and vile he was, how she couldn’t stand him, and how she would kill him if she only had the guts to, but then, looking down at the blood-splattered floor and the dead body slouched in the corner, she suddenly remembered what she did ten minutes ago.

 

3rd Place:        $5       

The windows shattered with a resounding crack, the flames in the fireplace were blown out, and the door swept open to reveal the legion of hamsters.

 

People’s Choice Award Winner:       

Johnny had just finished vomiting all over his bedroom floor, it was his favorite meal too, sauerkraut and Cocoa Puffs, and at this point he realized he was skinny enough, he didn’t have to be bulimic, and he had missed his favorite meal, then, he thought, oh well, five-second rule.

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Category Winners:

 

Science Fiction: 

Captain Largo sipped his spacescotch as he recovered from his last crippling bowel movement, he had had enough;  he propped his pulsar rifle up on a chair and decided that the interstellar colon leech had to go.

 

Pun Division: 

They searched in vain, but now it was official, she had lost her marbles.

 

Mystery: 

As he lay there dying, his final words were:  “Next time, I’ll be sure to pick the left hand.”

 

Horror:            

As I looked around the room the blood-stained drapes fell to the floor and my friend’s head rolled past squirting blood;  at this moment I thought to myself, “Now, I can finally start my book report.”

 

Seminar:        

As I sat in the uncomfortable chair-desk of 3rd period Social Studies –which alone was a long and fairly boring subject- I was slowly surrendering to the awareness, as a little nagging voice sounding from somewhere in my head that is, that although I had made it through the first two periods of the many to come there was no doubt that this day would be longer and more tedious than I could possibly imagine, for in the end it was unmistakably clear to myself (if not those around me) that not only had I neglected to put in both my contact lenses, but I had been reduced to no more than also brushing my hair with a fork that dreadful morning.

 

Romance:      

All the men in the room stared at the woman standing at the corner of the room;  admittedly she was a little short, standing no taller than five feet, but this was overlooked when the men saw her strong curves and arched back, arched back, arched back, very arched back, this arched back, arched back would be of much use to a man who had a strange fetish for speed bumps.

 

Shakespeare Division:          

If I were a glove, that I could enclose thine hand, and touch thine cheek, because my darling, believe me, I would not touch thine cheek any other way.

 

Sports:           

Then the fight began between Joe “Bonecrusher” Patterson and Larry “The Undertaker” Smith, and what a fight it was:  the stunning left hooks, the flabbergasting punches, the amazing pins, and believe it or not, it all happened before the second half of their kindergarten division soccer game.

 

Teen Fiction Division:          

Lindsey sat at the table, eating Melba Toast, as she waited for her boyfriend to pick her up for their 13th date together;  everything was ready, the knife, the water and the newest single by Cher;  all she needed now was a typewriter and the night would work out just as she planned.

 

Humor:          

He was surrounded, stuck, trapped, tortured and doomed;  he had fought his last battle with honor and courage, now there was only one thing he could do:  run, run with all his might, run not as a coward, but as a man, run like he’d never run before;  he set off at full speed, thankful to be moving again, until suddenly, Alice Luvingutt stepped out from behind the big yew tree and pressed her callused, crusty lips against his, and at that very moment, some 40 miles away, the young chicken laid her very first egg.

 

 

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