22nd
Grand Champion Winner (
After the highly experienced investigator had thoroughly investigated the small shop (which was utterly sabotaged and the floor covered with scratched faces, unconnected hands, and other severely mangled things) he concluded his report with a knowing expression on his face, “Mr. Wood, the person who broke into your clock shop obviously had a lot of time to kill.”
Reserve Prize Winner (
As the valiant knight strode toward the terrible dragon’s lair, his flickering torchlight revealed an ancient message etched into the stone which read, “Turneth back now, mortal, or thou shall brown ye slacks in a wetly sort.”
Special Reserve Prize Winner (
As the hordes of grotesquely warty toads engulfed me from all angles, cramming themselves into my mouth, shoving themselves down my throat only to get clogged in my esophagus, I could hardly breathe, but despite the slimy greenish-brown masses of amphibians quickly growing in numbers, blocking my trachea and gagging me…I could think of only one thing; I should have had oatmeal for breakfast.
Category Winners:
As the valiant knight strode toward the terrible dragon’s lair, his flickering torchlight revealed an ancient message etched into the stone which read, “Turneth back now, mortal, or thou shall brown ye slacks in a wetly sort.”
A bubbling substance of dirt, infected pus, blood and a wide variety of skin products claiming the impossible—make the magnifying, recurring reminders of the lowliness of the adolescent stage disappear, tried to push their way to the puffy red surface, promising yet another horribly embarrassing school day.
After many upturned wheels, the court decided to ban handicapped wrestling.
At one point in time, there was a man named Yuri Pumporalomindoslavich, and due to his ridiculously long last name, was bullied at his school by bigger boys (who were also older and better suited to a social life in rural Russia due to the shuffle board they were adept at playing in their free time with their mothers while they waited for the bread to bake) and girls (who were superior in physical build, character, and even at looping the exotic nalbandune tea cozies for their fathers, which were never used as they couldn’t even fit over the pots as a result of the thick bamboo strips they were made out of, which the book didn’t recommend, but they couldn’t afford the fancy stuff), and even the teachers (who took pity in Yuri, but were used to being mean because they all grew up in Czechoslovakia and were forced by their parents to clean weevils out of the washer, for the weevils had a tendency to climb in there), so you can see, Yuri was a pretty happy kid.
I ran out of the house in terror and looked at the house a little way down from us; the house downstreet had caught fire, and I stared in horror as the bright orange flames licked the dark night sky and black columns of smoke rose up to scrape the heavens; in an instant I know what this meant; it meant that the transgendered penguins were on their way.
After the highly experienced investigator had thoroughly investigated the small shop (which was utterly sabotaged and the floor covered with scratched faces, unconnected hands, and other severely mangled things) he concluded his report with a knowing expression on his face, “Mr. Wood, the person who broke into your clock shop obviously had a lot of time to kill.”
As the hordes of grotesquely warty toads engulfed me from all angles, cramming themselves into my mouth, shoving themselves down my throat only to get clogged in my esophagus, I could hardly breathe, but despite the slimy greenish-brown masses of amphibians quickly growing in numbers, blocking my trachea and gagging me…I could think of only one thing; I should have had oatmeal for breakfast.
It was a romantic evening and Brian and Mary were walking on the beautiful, moonlit beach, Brian and Mary stopped and looked at each other, Brian slowly slid his strong, but careful hand over Mary’s cheek (he noticed and was amazed how soft Mary’s cheek was, almost like a soft and extraordinary petal), then Brian drew Mary closer and both closed their eyes and Brian whispered in Mary’s ear: “Do you have the right answers to the chemistry worksheet?”
He saw the swarms of locusts soaring toward his home; no, not saw, more like heard, for he had lost his sight during a battle with a saber-toothed frog, and actually he more FELT the locusts, for he had also lost his hearing when his ears had been bitten off by a flying marsupial, and, if truth be told, he had not felt the locusts either, for he had lost all feeling in his body except for the persistent, throbbing ache in his big toe that he had gotten when he somehow managed to shut only his toe in the upstairs window as he was reaching for the young lady who hung perilously from the gutter by her chin; in fact, the man knew nothing about the locusts as they engulfed him and his house, and, somewhere a little over 6,000 miles away, a middle school boy awoke with a start to remember that he had utterly forgotten to do his seminar ticket, and the thought of having to sit in the sad room all by himself grieved him so much that he resolved to no less than jumping out of his 4th-story apartment window into the crowded street below.
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