23rd
Grand Champion Winner (
Tim was grasping her gently; even though his girlfriend had been sick earlier that day, he was ready for this, his first kiss, and he, as usual, was nervous as they both held on to each other, then moved in closer, and finally their lips made contact, but Tim felt weird; he smelled, no scratch that, he actually tasted vomit, as his girlfriend’s mouth tasted and smelled really bad, but Tim, being a nice guy, ignored that and went on, an unfortunate mistake that would haunt the rest of Tim’s life, for soon after that a whole parade of chunky pieces of chicken, cheese, noodles, and a whole variation of vegetables came rushing up, up through the final gates of one portal and into another.
Reserve Prize Winner (
Detective Shendelbozer
(a self-proclaimed crime fighter/mystery solver) was an honest, hardworking
man, though woefully ignorant in a great many ways, for you see, he had a
shameful devotion to late nights spent watching the classic complete second
season of “American Idol” and singing
(or rather screeching) impetuously along (for he knew every word uttered) and
splurging on Perky-O’s (cheap rip-off snack, tasting suspiciously of cardboard,
but which Detective Shendelbozer loved with a deep, heartfelt passion that he
held for virtually nothing else), yet he kept this mortifying night-time ritual
brilliantly disguised, for disguises were what Detective Shendelbozer did best.
Special Reserve Prize Winner (
After fading in
and out of consciousness numerous times, the girl finally awoke to unbearable
pain (since she was pinned under an enormous metal beam and could only see down
to her stomach), then she noticed that there were a pair of legs next to her
sticking out from under the beam; “poor
thing” she thought as she tried to identify whose legs they may be, then she
was swept by the horrifying realization as she wiped off the mud on one of the
feet and could not help herself from saying out loud, “I just bought that same
exact toe ring!”
People’s Choice Award Winner $5
It was the most
rapid of emotions Rob had ever experienced, starting with terror as he noticed
that the ground was an enormous 6000 feet away but hurtling toward him at 32
feet per second, moving to relief as he opened the parachute he just realized
he was wearing, followed by that “oh my God, I’m so stupid” feeling that only a
skydiver who forgets to open his chute until he is halfway to the ground and
almost already had a heart attack can really, truly appreciate, dropping to a
state of pleasant nothingness during which not a single thought passed through
his head until he started thinking about the fact that he wasn’t thinking, then
leaping straight back up to terror as he looked down for only the second time
and saw that he was plunging inexorably toward a river (this scared him because
he couldn’t swim for his life --- which was exactly what he was going to have
to do –especially not with a parachute strapped to his back, and, since there
was no wind whatsoever to carry him one way or another he couldn’t avoid the
river and so he definitely was going to drown) and finally – when only
one-fourth of his life had flashed before his eyes –moving back to relief as he
realized that the big, curving, dark streak he was undoubtedly, inevitably, and
unavoidably falling into was not a river at all; it was just the Autobahn.
Category Winners:
The swordsman clutched his
weapon tightly, dreading what was about to come inside the cramped log house, as
the wooden door slowly creaked open revealing two figures strolling forward,
dreading even more as the taller of the two strollers outstretched his hand
that was already occupied and said the word that would forever ring in the
swordsman’s mind: “cheese?”.
Far, far away,
extending out into the bareness beyond, like the silhouette of a terrifying
haunted masion, is Jefferson Middle School, home of the vicious Jackalopes
which feed on awkward, goofy and often aromatic (and not the good kind of
aroma) teenagers with equally nasty dispositions, the home also of teachers who
are not really teachers at all, but ghouls who take pleasure in imprisoning the
unfortunate students in lockers while eating their lunches and opening the
locker doors only long enough to gas the innocent and unaware students with
toxins of a most natural type.
As Harry Potter walked
down the corridor, arm in arm with his best friend Hermione Granger, a gust of
wind burst through the open window, seized Harry in a vice-like grip, and
sucked him out the window, which resulted in Harry falling on Draco Malfoy, who
had been flying his broom (which was very naughty of him) and making Draco fly
into the side of the castle, killing both Harry and Draco, but not before
Hermione jumped out the window and fell on Professor Snape, which made Snape
drop his “Shrinking Solution” on Neville Longbottom (who shrank to the size of
a toad immediately), who was slipped on by Ron Weasley, who fell and speared
his head on a sharp rock (which made his brains ooze out, although there really
wasn’t much to ooze, if you know what I mean), and finally Ginny Weasley
stepped on her brother Ron’s stomach, which resulted in him spitting up a
half-eaten chocolate frog, which flew into the gaping mouth of Rubeus Hagrid
and caused him to keel over dead and sqauash Collin Creevey under his HUGE
body.
It was a dark
and stormy night, well actually it was 2:00 in the afternoon, but it was dark and stormy, and the winds blew
faster than a cowboy wearing red followed by an angered bull, but I knew all
was well like many years before when I was happy and at that particular moment
when I was recollecting my past I had a feeling that I as being followed (but
not sure by what/whom) and as I quickly turned around to look, all I saw was a
small chipmunk with teeth like a beaver’s and he was holding a small acorn
which reminded me of the time I got my head stuck in a tree chasing a chipmunk
because he stole the peanuts I happened to be eating with my lunch which, that
day, consisted of a tuna sandwich, cucumber slices and slightly salty tomato
juice, but I knew this chipmunk was harmless for he had a cute face just like
that of a puppy who has just been given a large bone, and as I continued walking
down the alley (that’s where I was walking when this all happened) I heard a
loud thud, and spun around like a ride at the State Fair that makes you sick
and dizzy only to see the same chipmunk grinning up at me so I continued
walking and thinking of tulips and pansies and how to water them just right so
they grow as tall as my neighbor’s sunflowers, when, all the sudden, I heard
three thunderous bangs and turned around to see thirty chipmunks, red eyes
glaring at me ominously, and at that moment I knew, chipmunks had finally taken
over the world.
“Maybe,” she
thought, “he didn’t mean me to take him so literally when he said, “let’s shove
a knife down his throat, maybe then he’ll get
the point.”
It was the most
rapid of emotions Rob had ever experienced, starting with terror as he noticed
that the ground was an enormous 6000 feet away but hurtling toward him at 32
feet per second, moving to relief as he opened the parachute he just realized
he was wearing, followed by that “oh my God, I’m so stupid” feeling that only a
skydiver who forgets to open his chute until he is halfway to the ground and
almost already had a heart attack can really, truly appreciate, dropping to a
state of pleasant nothingness during which not a single thought passed through
his head until he started thinking about the fact that he wasn’t thinking, then
leaping straight back up to terror as he looked down for only the second time
and saw that he was plunging inexorably toward a river (this scared him because
he couldn’t swim for his life --- which was exactly what he was going to have
to do –especially not with a parachute strapped to his back, and, since there
was no wind whatsoever to carry him one way or another he couldn’t avoid the
river and so he definitely was going to drown) and finally – when only
one-fourth of his life had flashed before his eyes –moving back to relief as he
realized that the big, curving, dark streak he was undoubtedly, inevitably, and
unavoidably falling into was not a river at all; it was just the Autobahn.
Kate’s soft curls arranged
themselves around her angelic face like a golden frame, making her cruelly
beautiful jawbone soften to perfection in the candlelight that flickered
gently, making the dark, misty shadows of the surrounding trees that hid her
true love from her almond-shaped eyes shimmering with longing, fade away until
she could see him, and his glistening hair, most lips, agile limbs, soft,
porcelain skin, fragile and delicate features as if he would crack if she so
much as brushed her lips across his nose, yet she could stand it no longer and
flung herself at him, and he held her tenderly as their hearts joined into one
and Kate’s curls coiled themselves firmly around his tentative but eager
fingers.
First Place, Boring,
Uninformative Middle School Textbook Division
Nick’s mind was
slipping over the monotonous text that was bombarding his head, seeping through
his ears, striving to force him to be a geek, force him to use a rolling
backpack, and the spiritless, unimpassioned words were all there was, then Nick
woke up and realized he hadn’t done the sixty-nine workbook problems due that
day and it was already seven-thirty, so in desperation he fed the book to his
ravenous pet dog and ran to school, where he was issued an F for the missed
assignment and given another hideously information-deprived and
enthusiasm-sucking book.
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